After been an altar boy for a while it was time for my initiation. I remember being excited mostly cause my mother has returned from her trip and she was going to be part of it. When I told her about my initiation, she said that it was good that I decided to be more involved with the church. For me, anything that would make my mother proud was worth it. You see, my mother is not easy to impress. Because she came from a very poor background. So she couldn’t relate to our achievement as kids.
So things, like being good at school and go to the church, were things that she was expecting from us, her sons. But she always expected more from me, her oldest. But she always told me I was a disappointment. Mostly due to my grades. The school was never easy for me. But I will dig into that in another story. So things, like being good at school and go to the church, were things that she was expecting from us, her sons. But she always expected more from me, her oldest. But she always told me I was a disappointment. Mostly due to my grades. The school was never easy for me. But I will dig into that into another story.
Kindness is a lie
The night of my initiation, I was showing off to my parents telling them everything the priest has told me except the other things. Again I couldn’t explain those events to myself so how could I explain it to them?
The other boys that were also having their initiation and I were putting our ropes in the dressing room. The priest came by, I guess to check on us. He asked us if we were excited and we answer yes. Carlos a white boy from Portugal was putting on he’s rope and the priest when to him and start to massage his shoulders but Carlos push ‘his hands away and said stop, otherwise, I will hit you. ‘
I stood there surprised and tried to make sense of what happens and at the same time, I felt guilty and embarrassed. The priest might tell his parents that Carlos was disrespectful but obviously Carlos didn’t care. But the priest laughs and tried again and Carlos pushes him again. Then the priest said ‘you are not nice to me, but I still going to let go through to your initiation because I like you’. Carlos ignored him and continued putting his rope. The priest looked at me and said ‘you should be more like Frederick, he’s a good boy’.
At that moment good meant weak to me. When he left I asked Carlos if he was always been like that with him. Carlos said’ He is always like that with all of us’. You should hit him next time.
I felt so used, weak and afraid. I told myself I need to leave this place. I’m not Carlos. My parents will punish me if I hit a priest. To be continued...